The fifth story

I am going to tell you about the things I am fighting with and has formed me to the man who stands before you now. I wrote this a short while ago and would like to take you with me in my journey.

Hello, I am mark, I am 25 years old and I am lonely.

But what is loneliness?

Loneliness is a feeling of not being connected. The absence of a strong, emotional bond with others.

But mark, you do have friends if memory serves correct?yes, that is right.Why do you feel lonely then?because every time I see them or I leave them, my mind is confronting me with the thoughtsthat the friendship is fake, and they only hang out with me because they pity me. That this isall a façade. but mark, you know that they are not playing with you, but the feeling they have for you isreal.yes, I know, but it does not feel that way. Can I turn of that feeling? How am I supposed tohandle it? What must I do to change my mindset? Why do I keep holding on to these lies?

Hello, I am mark, and I am not good enough.

Hello, I am mark and I neglect myself.

Hello, I am mark, and I mutilate myself.

Selfharm is an expression of psychological pain, anger or sadness. It means that you bring harm to yourself by means of wounding or damage to your skin or body, without having the intention to end your own life. I do/did it on places that people don’t see, so no one will ask questions.But marvin, why do you do this? To not have to feel my emotional pain.But mark, what do you mean by that?If I have physical pain then I am not in my mind any more. And I do not want to be in my mind, because I am scared what will happen when I am.

Hello, I am mark, and I can’t any more.

Suicide, a act where someone takes their own life. I constantly think about committing suicide, it is now just in my head, I don’t attempt any more.But mark, why do you think about this? The image I have about myself is only negative, I think I am nothing, I think that I am not good enough, I think that I am worthless, I do not think that I deserve to life, I think that I am nothing, I think that no one loves me, I think that the only thing people want is that I do not exist any more. But marvin, this is not true, where do all these lies come from?From the past, that is what I heard from people in school, and they saw me every day throughout the week, so they know me, then I can assume they are speaking the truth, Right?But marvin, you know that this is just a big lie don’t you? You are worth something, and there are people who are happy that you exist.

Hello, I am mark and I have ADD and Dysthymia.

The acronyms mean Attention Deficit Disorder, it is a disorder that gives people problems with attention and concentration.Dysthymia is a Lighter, but long lasting form of depression. The symptoms like a bad sense of hunger, tiredness, problems with concentration or feelings of hopelessness are less intense as seen with normal depression. That is why it is so hard to see when you also have actual depression. It can feel that you have always been this way. A dysthemic disorder also carries the name chronic depression or persistent depressive disorder.

Hello, I am mark, I am 25 years old and I sought out professional help.

I learned how to open up by a couple of individuals, and I have learned how to talk about things, about how I truly think about things. I have had a lot of fun, nice but also a lot of emotionally charged conversations with these individuals. They have motivated me to take the step to seek professional help. I am feeling a lot better then before the talks and therapy. A year has finished since my last therapy session and still have regular talks with my friends, and I am really happy about that. Life still goes with ups and downs, but I notice more ups then downs and that makes me very happy. I am still being confronted with these feelings, but I can step by step, bit by bit handle it better. It is still not gone, because the path that I wander is still a long one, but I am getting in the right direction. It is about falling and getting up again, and I am living each day to wake up the next.

Hello, I am mark, and why did I write this?I am noticing a big stigma to seek for help. The feeling as if the mental health is not taken serious and that I should keep up a mask and not show how it is really going with me. This is the stigma.

But why does this stigma exist?

It is partly because of society and the pressure it gives to always keep is partly given from home, that you couldn’t cry and act ‘’normal’’. what a nonsense, why do I let myself be guided by what society uses as ‘’this is what you have to do’’?for too long I have not listened to myself or made the choices that are good for me.I have ran around for to long in my mind whilst thinking:’’oh I don’t need help, I am not even that far yet’’.but when is it ‘’to’’ far? When may I listen to myself? When dare I be myself? When dare I be honest with myself and say I am not alright? When may I cry?when may I be good to myself? Trust that I am loved. Trust that I am valuable. and when may I share with friends, the positive and also the negative.because that is scary, fully exposing yourself. But I have seen from a couple of friends that I needn’t be scared and that they are and want to be there for me, even if it feels crazy.because of this I have looked my fears in the eyes and took a step.I started to conversate with a couple of friends about the insecurities I experience in life.this meant a lot to me.I am definitely not there yet, but my friends support me trough fun times and also through hard times.

I would recooment to everybody who experiences similar or different things. Go to a friend and talk about it. Because fighting with these things on your own is very difficult and extremely lonely. talk about it, because I truly wish you the are worth it, people love you. You may be, if you believe it or not.