The fifth story

I am going to tell you about the things I am fighting with and has formed me to the man who stands before you now. I wrote this a short while ago and would like to take you with me in my journey.

Hello, I am victor, I am 25 years old and I am lonely.

But what is loneliness?

Loneliness is a feeling of not being connected. The absence of a strong, emotional bond with others.
Or the contact with others is less than desired. With loneliness come negative feelings like void, sadness, fear, the feeling of being useless and physical or mental complaints.

But victor, you do have friends if memory serves correct?

yes, that is right.

Why do you feel lonely then?

because every time I see them or I leave them, my mind is confronting me with the thoughts

that the friendship is fake, and they only hang out with me because they pity me. That this is

all a façade.

but victor, you know that they are not playing with you, but the feeling they have for you is


yes, I know, but it does not feel that way. Can I turn of that feeling? How am I supposed to

handle it? What must I do to change my mindset? Why do I keep holding on to these lies?

Hello, I am victor, and I am not good enough.
causes for this can come from different angles. Someone can deal with trauma’s from the past or suffer from high expectations from work or the environment they live in. think for instance about the pressure places by society. We bigger, better, more.

But victor, why do you think that you are not good enough?

I think my life offers no added value to society.

But victor, why do you think that?

I preform below average at school, I do not meet the expectations of my parents, I do not think about a lot of things I do, I neglect friendships and separate myself from the friendships I have, I do not show weakness, I don’t cry. I am a man and men don’t cry.

Hello, I am victor and I neglect myself.

I could not really find a good definition for this one, but I can tell you how it is for me. , I do not open the curtains for the sunlight, I do not do the dishes, I can’t see the ground any more, I separate myself from society, I stay in bed for days, but I always text that I am doing fine.

But victor, why do you do this?

I am doing that because then I do not have to show and share my emotions.

But victor, why do you not only to others, but especially to yourself?

I am a man, and as a man you may not show emotions.

But victor, you know that is nonsense, but you know that don’t you?

I know, but it is force of habit, that is the way I have always done it.

But victor, this way of thinking is changeable isn’t it?

Yes that is right, but that will take a while.

Hello, I am victor, and I mutilate myself.

Selfharm is an expression of psychological pain, anger or sadness. It means that you bring harm to yourself by means of wounding or damage to your skin or body, without having the intention to end your own life. I do/did it on places that people don’t see, so no one will ask questions.

But victor, why do you do this?

To not have to feel my emotional pain.

But victor, what do you mean by that?

If I have physical pain then I am not in my mind any more. And I do not want to be in my mind, because I am scared what will happen when I am.

Hello, I am victor, and I can’t any more.

Suicide, a act where someone takes their own life.
I constantly think about committing suicide, it is now just in my head, I don’t attempt any more.

But victor, why do you think about this?

The image I have about myself is only negative, I think I am nothing, I think that I am not good enough, I think that I am worthless, I do not think that I deserve to life, I think that I am nothing, I think that no one loves me, I think that the only thing people want is that I do not exist any more.

But victor, this is not true, where do all these lies come from?

From the past, that is what I heard from people in school, and they saw me every day throughout the week, so they know me, then I can assume they are speaking the truth, Right?

But victor, you know that this is just a big lie don’t you? You are worth something, and there are people who are happy that you exist.

Hello, I am victor and I have ADD and Dysthymia.

The acronyms mean Attention Deficit Disorder, it is a disorder that gives people problems with attention and concentration.

Dysthymia is a Lighter, but long lasting form of depression. The symptoms like a bad sense of hunger, tiredness, problems with concentration or feelings of hopelessness are less intense as seen with normal depression. That is why it is so hard to see when you also have actual depression. It can feel that you have always been this way. A dysthemic disorder also carries the name chronic depression or persistent depressive disorder.

Hello, I am victor, I am 25 years old and I sought out professional help.

I learned how to open up by a couple of individuals, and I have learned how to talk about things, about how I truly think about things.
I have had a lot of fun, nice but also a lot of emotionally charged conversations with these individuals. They have motivated me to take the step to seek professional help. I am feeling a lot better then before the talks and therapy. A year has finished since my last therapy session and still have regular talks with my friends, and I am really happy about that. Life still goes with ups and downs, but I notice more ups then downs and that makes me very happy. I am still being confronted with these feelings, but I can step by step, bit by bit handle it better. It is still not gone, because the path that I wander is still a long one, but I am getting in the right direction. It is about falling and getting up again, and I am living each day to wake up the next.

Hello, I am victor, and why did I write this?

I am noticing a big stigma to seek for help. The feeling as if the mental health is not taken serious and that I should keep up a mask and not show how it is really going with me. This is the stigma.

But why does this stigma exist?

It is partly because of society and the pressure it gives to always keep going.
it is partly given from home, that you couldn’t cry and act ‘’normal’’.
what a nonsense, why do I let myself be guided by what society uses as ‘’this is what you have to do’’?
for too long I have not listened to myself or made the choices that are good for me.
I have ran around for to long in my mind whilst thinking:’’oh I don’t need help, I am not even that far yet’’.
but when is it ‘’to’’ far? When may I listen to myself?
When dare I be myself?
When dare I be honest with myself and say I am not alright?
When may I cry?
when may I be good to myself? Trust that I am loved. Trust that I am valuable.
and when may I share with friends, the positive and also the negative.
because that is scary, fully exposing yourself. But I have seen from a couple of friends that I needn’t be scared and that they are and want to be there for me, even if it feels crazy.
because of this I have looked my fears in the eyes and took a step.
I started to conversate with a couple of friends about the insecurities I experience in life.
this meant a lot to me.
I am definitely not there yet, but my friends support me trough fun times and also through hard


I would recooment to everybody who experiences similar or different things. Go to a friend and talk about it. Because fighting with these things on your own is very difficult and extremely lonely.
talk about it, because I truly wish you the best.
you are worth it, people love you. You may be, if you believe it or not.